Steve Spurrier said in a recent interview that all 11 spots are open for tryout on the offense this week…most notably the quarterback position. After the first 4 games, Carolina has looked like a sack of shit from an offensive standpoint, and that starts with the signal caller. There has been a lot of talk of giving redshirt freshman Stephen Garcia a chance, however there are other veteran options out there. I thought I would recommend a few available players for Spurrier to consider before he makes his final decision on who the starting quarterback against UAB should be. Here they are:
1. Uncle Rico – Upside: Has the superhuman ability to throw a football over a mountain. Has extreme accuracy (have you seen the way he can throw a steak?). Has a time machine that may or may not be able to be used during actual play. Claimed that back in ’82 he could throw a pigskin over a quarter mile.
Downside: Excessive use of polyester tight fit pants restrict his mobility
2. Al Bundy – Upside: Great hand to ball coordination, although limited to mostly his own. Focused on football and not on women (despite what you may think, he could give a shit less about Peg). Blue collar work ethic…face it the man can sell shoes. Gridiron legend at Polk High.
Downside: Lack of motivation. Likes to spend all his time at nudy bars (yes even during the day)
3. Peter Griffin – Upside: Not easy to take down due to being extremely overweight when compared to your normal quarterback build (this can work, see Jared Lorenzen). Used to being in front of a TV all day long from the comfortable veiw of his couch, would transition nicely to film study and preparation.
Downside: According to his bio, Peter also has a serious disadvantage: the complete lack of common sense and good judgement. Peter didn’t know how to fart till he was 30. Since then, he farts very often. He’s fat, loves Pawtucket Beer, and is always there for some good physical comedy.
The smart money is on Uncle Rico purely based on his said ability to throw a pigskin over a quarter mile…if you’re not a believer, just watch this video
“Thats what I’m talkin about!”